Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
