giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
