Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
