I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
