update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
