how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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