marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
