in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
