Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
