I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
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