i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
