I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
