And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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