i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
