billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's never too late to be topless.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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