Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
