A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
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That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
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Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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