Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
hell yes lets make some ravioli
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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