It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
