I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
