I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
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he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
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He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time