my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
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you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
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My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.