just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
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I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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