I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Found your dick twin last night
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.