I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
