He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
