Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
