24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
