just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
