Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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