I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
