I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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