he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
