Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
