I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
