Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
