I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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