i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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