I'm gonna have a badass scar
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize