wrigley field is MILF paradise
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
