Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
