This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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