Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
