mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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