Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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