4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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