I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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