i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
