You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
