I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
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