gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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