i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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