Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
