Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening