i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She is in my trunk
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
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I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
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i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
