dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
5 Insecurities That Are Ruining Your Sex Life
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Nikki Haley Calls Jared Kushner A Hidden Genius—And Twitter Ain’t Buying It
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?