you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
