My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
