maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
