just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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