Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
