You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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