Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
