She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
