Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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