I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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