The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
