I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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