I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
